I did it again, Lord.
Got myself busy with everyday plans, the issues of life, the stresses of running a family, and I totally ignored our time together for ten whole days.
I have no excuses for this. There are no reasons. And I have nothing to say in my defense.
And yet, as I come back to you, “heart in hand” so to speak, You open up Your arms and reach out to me.
My heart is broken. How could I be so stupid? How could I make such a ridiculous choice, to try running my own life without discussing things with You? How could I ignore You?
WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?
What is so important that it trumps quality time with the One True God? What is so pressing, so immediate, so important that it takes me away from hearing Your Voice, from sensing Your Presence, from knowing Your Love for me?
How could I take You for granted like this?
There is no explanation. Nothing worth saying. Except…
But that doesn’t seem to be enough. At least, not in my book.
And yet You say, “Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” So I know as I come near to You, You don’t turn away, but You come even closer to me.
You truly reward those who diligently seek You. What is the reward? Being close to You. That’s the only thing worth having, when it comes down to it. Your Presence, Your Love, is the only thing worth living for.
But “I’m sorry” is not enough. There must be repentance. A change of heart. A turning around, to begin doing the right thing.
I think I understand the rest of that verse now: “purify your heart, you double-minded.” I get it now. “Double-minded” relates to our relationship. It’s as if You’re asking, “are you My disciple, or not?” It’s sort of like a husband asking a wife, “well, are you married to me? Or not?” It can’t be both ways. It’s either one way, or the other. There is no “half married,” no “half relationship.”
To purify one’s heart is to decide that the relationship is permanent, forever, never to be broken, and never to be ignored.
Enough with getting too busy to give You the love and honor and worship You deserve. Enough with filling up my day, and not even giving you a crumb. Enough with my own thoughts, my own plans, my own “emergencies.”
Place Your “ring” on my finger, my Lord. I’m coming home.