Posted by: Michelle Knoll | June 27, 2012

Wicked, Wicked Phone!

My old phone was a very strange beast.  Indeed.

It was a great phone in the beginning.  We would go everywhere together.  And I took very good care of my phone.  So we had a solid relationship built on trust and understanding.

But then one day, it turned on me.  And I began to see its true nature.  It was a wicked, vile beast, ready to do me harm.

It would call people or text people on its own.  Seriously!  You think I’m joking, don’t you?  Well, I’m not!  One night, while sitting outside our older son’s dorm, I received a phone call from one of the members of the scout troop.  When I answered the phone, he asked, “What did you want?”

“I have no idea what you mean.”

“Well, you texted my mom three times.  She wants to know what you want.”

I checked my phone.  Sure enough, it had texted her with phrases like, “what are you doing?” and “Want to meet up?” and something else I don’t remember.  I called the young man back and told him that the phone had sent those messages itself.


My old phone also had a tendency to call numbers on its own.  My brother called me one day, and – you guessed it – asked me, “What did you want?”

“Beg pardon?”

“You called me.  I just didn’t get to my phone in time.”

I checked my phone’s recent calls list.  Sure enough, his phone number was right there on top.  I had not called him.  And I told him as such.  To which he replied, “I think I would be doing something about that phone.”

I was sitting in the car at the time, at an intersection, because I was on my way to the grocery store.  I put the phone down on the passenger’s seat, and eyed it suspiciously.  The music from “The Twilight Zone” suddenly rose in my thinking.

You’re a wicked, wicked phone.

My old phone was notorious for hanging up.  All by itself.  Not for losing connection, no, it would just hang up!  In the middle of a call or text message!  Almost as if it was telling me it was tired and wanted to rest from being my means of communication.  And it would just sit there, glaring back at me, after hanging up, as if to say, “What are you lookin’ at ME for?”

But the REAL irritation was how it would turn off, randomly, all by itself.  I’d pick it up to make a call, and it would turn off.  I would put it back in my purse, and it would turn off.  I would set it down on a table, and it would turn off.  I would open it to send a text message, and it would turn off.  It played this not-so-funny game at all the wrong times, and I would have to turn it back on and wait for it to get its little brain together, before I could make a call or text someone.  And all the while, I felt as if it was sneering at me and saying, “thbbbt!”

Wicked, wicked phone.

I had to check it constantly, to make sure it hadn’t called phone numbers that would get me in trouble.  You know, numbers like the White House, or the Pentagon, or some consulate in another country.  And I always checked my text messages, to make sure it hadn’t asked someone to marry me, or told someone I had “made the drop” or something just as insane.  I made sure I had an alibi, everywhere I went, just in case my phone tried to frame me for some heinous crime.

Life gets scary when you have to watch your own phone’s every move.  Most of the time, I made sure it was where I could see it, so I could confirm it was not talking to someone without my permission.  As if I would give my phone permission to do that!  Grr!

Ever watch 2001:A Space Odyssey?  Then you know all about HAL, right?  I think my phone thought it was HAL reincarnated.  Life isn’t fun when you’re living with HAL.

I’m sure you’re sitting there reading this, thinking, “Kill the darn thing!”  Well, I did better than that!  I traded it!  For a smart phone!  Yeah!  An iPhone!

Yeah.  A smart phone.  Right.




  1. Michelle! As “Twilight Zone” as this sounds, I can confirm it. Only, I’m on the receiving end. For the past month, someone’s cell has called me. I pick up and there’s all this stuff happening, people talking, back and forth, only no one is aware that the call has been made. Worse, no one is talking to me. Just happened this a.m. I have taken to listening for a few seconds, and then just hang up. It is sorely trying my patience. At first, I tried shouting or repeating the “hello” but that doesn’t work. Beware the self-directional phone! I may just stay with my landlines after all. Lord have mercy.

    • Janet, that sounds like someone’s phone keeps “pocket dialing” your number. My husband’s phone used to do that to me. He would call me, and then he would stick the phone in his pocket. The pressure from the way it sat in his pocket caused it to dial the last number he had just called. (I guess by pushing some button on the phone – never did know how it did that.) It got so bad that he started dialing 000-0000 and hanging up, just to have a nonsense number as the last number dialed so he wouldn’t be calling people!
      If you can see the last number that actually called you, then perhaps that person has been pocket dialing you. Try calling them back and asking them if that’s what has been going on. Blessings!

  2. My phone does the same thing – I had it replaced and it is still doing it – a Verizon “smart” phone – yeah right… aunt’s I phone does the same thing too….it drives me crazy sometimes….

    • Isn’t it scary? It makes me wonder if we’re causing ourselves more trouble and aggravation by creating all this “grand” technology. Blessings to you as you fight with your “smart” phone! If it starts acting like a “smart alec” I hope you catch it before it does something stupid!

  3. “Dumb” phones aren’t too much better. One day I had my old phone in my pocket at work, I had locked the keypad, but as it was in my pocket, it unlocked itself and called one of my friends. My friend, realizing had happened, hung up and called my supervisor and told him to tell ME to hang up my phone… (suffice to say I was a little confused at first)

    • Oh, wow, Ron. I know it wasn’t funny then, but that’s funny! You had even locked the keypad, and it still called your friend! Amazing. Wow.

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